Lessons learned from Jace...

So you might be wondering why the heck I have a picture of stamps on my blog. Part of the reason is desperation- spring is here, I have been itching to take pictures but have no clients right now and my kids are tired of me so I have to resort to random object around the house to get my photography fix (I have even taken pictures of our bed stand!). But there is actually a little story behind this picture that I wanted to document (some of you may have heard it so I am sorry if I repeat myself; at least now you have a cool picture of stamps to go with the story!)

One morning a few weeks ago, I was doing my morning computer routine when Jace came running into the room. He was beaming with excitement, and then held out his hand and said to me "Mommy, look! Stickers!" In his hand was a compacted wad of stamps, and not just one or two! Tim had just gotten two books of stamps a few weeks before, and I think we had used one or two (the ones in the picture are the few that I was able to peel off the top of the stack). Without taking a moment to think about it, I freaked- "JACE! THOSE ARE NOT STICKERS! WE DO NOT PLAY WITH THOSE!!" I can still see the change in his countenance as I said that- his beaming face instantly melted down into a sad frown! Then he brought his hands up to his sad face, covered his eyes and with his head down cried out "I'm not feeling very good!" and ran crying into the bathroom and shut the door. He was so excited to show me the 'stickers' he had found and had NO CLUE why I was so mad at him! OUCH, dagger to the heart! I felt horribly guilty! As a parent, why is it so hard to think before you react (I hope I am not the only one that does this!) In retrospect, I realize that it wasn't a very big deal! They were only stamps and to any kid who doesn't know better they look exactly like stickers (they are stickers, just very expensive ones)! In the grand scheme of things, losing $13.65 in stamps is not worth damaging a child's self esteem and self worth. But dang it all, it was too late for that!

Well once I realized what I had done, I went in to apologize to him and explain myself. Luckily he is only 3 and quickly forgot this incident, but I have been thinking a lot about this and other faulty parenting incidents of mine lately (Tim and I have both had many of these with Jace lately!) I know that this one incident will probably not have any long-term effect on him, but I do know that if I consistently react this way then it will affect (or is it effect?) him in the long run. I really don't want Jace to grow up with low self-esteem, thinking that he can't do much of anything right, but if I constantly criticize him for every little thing he does that is exactly what will happen. I know that is a gloomy thought, and I am sorry if this blog post suddenly got depressing, but this has made me determined to try a little better. I realize that it will be impossible to react perfectly every time and there are going to be times when I lose it just because I am not perfect, but I had an idea to help this reacting problem of mine. Actually Tim brought this up the other day after talking to Kevin about our issues with Jace (so thanks Kevin and Amy for the advice!)

Here is the idea: in marriage therapy there is a rule that they call "the 5:1 ratio". I can't remember who came up with this rule, but basically it says that in a stable marriage, there must be 5 positives to every 1 negative. In a HAPPY marriage, that ratio should be 8 positives to every 1 negative. So, if this idea works in marriages, it probably would work in parenting too. I may not be able to completely get rid of the negative parenting moments with Jace, but I can try to outweigh them with more positive interactions. I know that right now my ratio with Jace is probably more like 5 negatives to 1 positive, so I need to change that. I know that the times when I do praise Jace or give him positive attention, he just loves it! I can tell by the look on his face that he feels loved. So I am trying very hard to do more of this; to shower him with positive comments, attention, etc. I think especially with having a new baby to share attention with, he really needs that.

Sorry for the long-winded post again! But I just wanted to share this with you all! Hopefully some of you can relate a bit!