Just a random pictureless pity-party post that you do not have to read if you don't want to...

How's that for a long title? Tonight I am bored and kind of depressed and feeling frustrated with myself and all I really feel like doing is wallowing in self pity and venting. Do you ever have days like that? Well, I do! (And oddly enough it seems to always come at the end of the month- hmmmm....) I just got done venting to Tim (thanks, hun) but I just felt like writing and getting it all out of my system so I can move on. I spent some time today looking at some other photographers blogs and I should know better than to do that when I am PMSing feeling down. I have been feeling very creatively frustrated lately anyways, like my work has reached a plateau and I want to improve or do something different and more creative but I don't know what. And looking at the amazing work of other photographers which is far from uncreative just makes me feel like a giant LAHOO-ZAHER! Does any one else ever feel just really annoyed with themselves, like there is something seriously wrong with them? I am feeling that way. Sometimes I swear it is like I have two personalities that are polar opposites. The 'good me' and the 'bad me'. The 'good' me is very positive, very motivated, super-duper ambitious, has great intentions, starts projects(sad that even good me doesn't usually finish these projects but she intends to!), makes written out 'to do' lists and intends to complete each item on that to do list in a timely manner, is occasionally productive, organizes her time, doesn't waste too much time surfing the net and also manages to spend quality time with her kids. Oh, and she will refrain from reading entire Book 4 in a few days because she has too much to do this week. The 'bad' me, my nemesis, is negative, unmotivated and even, at times, down right lazy, very timid when it comes to following through with her ambitions, is very unorganized, very unproductive, spends 90% of her time thinking, stressing and worrying about the seemingly millions of items on her to do list (not the one she wrote down- that is only 'good' me- bad Mandy doesn't write down her to do lists- they just float around and around in her head, feeling much larger than they actually are) and only 10% of her time actually doing those things. Oh, and she can't seem to keep her mouse off of that Internet explorer icon at the bottom of her computer screen. She spend hours looking at blogs, reading the latest drama on ILP, researching the new IPOD nano, then buying the IPOD nano which was probably not in the budget because she convinced herself that she needed it because listening to good music will help her be more creative (doesn't that sound like a business investment to you? I wonder if I can write it off?). Then she proceeds to spend way too much money and time downloading MP3s and ripping her CDs onto her computer to put on said IPOD when really she has lots of editing and WORK to do. (Hopefully when that thing gets here I won't feel so bad). Lastly, she doesn't kid herself- she knows there is no way she will be able to keep away from that book this week. Yes, as embarrassing as it is to admit, this is (or should I say these are?) the real me- and I can't seem to figure out how to get rid of bad me or at least minimize bad me's influence on my life. I want to be more organized with my time, my kids, my business, but bad me just seems to prevent me from moving forward. And I don't know what to do about it.

Tim has agreed to start having weekly planning meetings with me to help me organize my time and help me get moving on some of my marketing projects. Hopefully that will help- I am the type of person that needs to be held somewhat accountable to someone other than myself to keep me on task. Kind of sad that I can't seem to stay on task by myself, but that is just how I am. And I have been thinking for months that I want to do some sort of monthly creative project where I just shoot something fun, some idea I have, just for me. I think this would help a lot- I just need to stop thinking about it and DO it. Maybe I will tell good Mandy to write it on her to-do list.

Okay, I think I am done venting for now. I know this was a very negative post and I hope you don't think the worse of me- I just wanted to write how I felt. And I promise this was not an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me or to stroke my ego- I know I am very, very fortunate to have the life that I have! Sometimes I just lose sight of that- I am human! And if nothing else, perhaps this will be beneficial for posterity purposes- someday my great-grandchildren will read this and either think "Wow, great-grandma Carroll felt that way too?" or "I am so grateful to live in a time when there is a cure for PMS" or "Curse you, great grandma Carroll, for giving me the 'bad me' gene!". Hopefully it is not the latter.

By the way, I just finished eating a half a box of Milk Duds and a half a box of Hot Tamales(I would've eaten the whole box, had I not eaten the other half Friday night!) Gross, I know, but all that sugar has made me feel much better already. But it looks like I will be doing Yoga and running in the morning.

Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing. And now I will thump my chest, raise my fist and shout:

Here's to the banishment of the bad me in us all! Give me a 'Hurrah'!