You never know what you're gonna get. This post is just a little vent about my thoughts on life from my perspective and some of my feelings lately. I was reading a good friends blog yesterday and her writing about her own challenges which, though completely different from my own, really resonated with me. And I think it is important, for posterity's sake as well as my own sanity, that I write down the fact that my life is not always just about cute baby pictures and zoo trips and hugs and kisses from my four boys. Life can be really, really hard sometimes! I have struggled with anxiety disorders since I was a teenager and been on and off medication for them a few times. I recognize that I am prone to worry- it is just part of my nature. And a part of me knows that I may struggle with anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, so it shouldn't surprise me when it returns to my life. But for some reason, I have always been under the misguided perception that the older I got, the more wise, confident, positive and anxiety free I would become and the more peaceful my life would be. But I am starting to realize that that is not the case. In some ways I feel like the older I get the less sure of myself I am and the more aware I become of my failings and weaknesses. And as a wife and mother of 3 kids that scares the living daylight out of me. The rational side of me realizes that no one is perfect and everyone has challenges but I cannot seem to let go of the irrational part of me that feels like I should have it all figured out by now and if I don't I am doomed to failure and misery forever. And I have been feeling this way a lot lately, which is driving me crazy. Literally. In an imagining myself ending up in a straight-jacket with bars on my windows kind of way. Tim rightfully tells me that my biggest problem is that I think that the fact that I have problems is a problem, or something like that that makes much more sense coming out of his mouth. In essence, I am a control freak, a worry-wart and a perfectionist- I think I should be perfect in every way and I agonizes over every sign that my life is not exactly how I had it all planned out in my mind or think of all the possible ways that things could go seriously wrong. Logically I know that life really is unpredictable- you never know what challenges the future might bring. But I try so hard to will that box of assorted chocolates that is my life to turn into a box full of perfect caramel filled truffles because that is what I like- that is what I am comfortable with. I know I should just take the darn box, accept the fact that I cannot predict exactly what is inside and enjoy the experience of tasting all the various fillings, some of which I may end up really liking! But no- all I can think about is the caramel. I want caramel, I need caramel or my life might be over! So I just stare at that unopened box, agonizing and worrying- what if I get a coconut filled truffle? Or that disgusting pink stuff? I heard a boy died from eating one of those once! I know this analogy is getting out of hand, but in all seriousness this really relates to me and how I handle stress in my life. And it is not working out very well for me, imagine that. So my dilema is this- I want to be the type of person that is laid back, that looks at the glass as half-full rather than half empty, and that sees challenges as opportunities for growth and learning. But as hard as I try I am just not that person. And I feel like the harder I try to be that person the more discouraged I get with being me. So what do I do? I don't want to throw my hands up and just give in to being a negative, irrational worrier for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to spend my life trying to be somebody I am not- I need to be able to make peace with who I am. Am I the only one that ever feels this way? Please tell me I am not, even if I am, because it would sure make me feel better:) Now I know this post is sounding awfully negative, and I really do not feel this way all the time. The times I feel this way are interspersed with times of joy and peace and fun with my family and contentment with myself and my life. And I do know that I have so much to be grateful for- I am so blessed to have all the wonderful people in my life that I have. But it is just so hard to remember that sometimes.
Now on a brighter note, other than my bouts of craziness, we are all doing very well! And I have photos to prove it:) Ethan has recently been playing around with my old D70, which will sometimes spontaneously turn off during use hence the reason I let him play with it. So I have a card full of random shots he took- 9 out of 10 were out of focus or of not very interesting subjects, such as my curtains, our basketball hoop and the neighbors fence, but a few turned out pretty good! Maybe he can become my business partner in a few years;) Enjoy and thanks for listening to my rant!
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